When you first get started with Bearmore, we ask you to share what matters to you. Based on your answer, the app will highlight the focus areas that are most important for you to be working on. From there, you’ll see the activities linked to those focus areas. These are the activities most likely to bring about change for you. That can feel exciting, even motivating.
But when you see your top recommended activities, you might look at one and think, “No, that’s not for me.” Sometimes it feels like a hard no. Sometimes it’s more of a pulling away, just seeing if you can quietly ignore it! When an activity feels confronting, it can make you slam on the brakes.
This article explores one possible reason that might be happening, and what you could do about it.
When resistance shows up
Let’s imagine, you’re completing your what matters, and you tell us you want to be more confident in social situations. Since your relationship broke up, you’ve been finding it hard to get your mojo back and spending time with other people is not appealing. It feels easier to crash on the couch after work.
You hit enter on your answer and then you see your top recommended activities. It starts off well, and you spot a couple of things you’re already doing, and a few new ones you’re quite open to. This is all making sense. But then one catches you off guard.
Your first reaction on seeing it might feel like a hard no. This is fine for other people, but not you.
That kind of reaction could be mistaken for a lack of motivation. But often, it may not be about motivation at all. It could be something a little harder to spot at first. One possibility is that it’s your sense of identity stepping in.
What identity has to do with it
The behaviours we tend to stick with are usually the ones that feel like “us.” Research on identity and behaviour (Clear, 2018; Deci & Ryan, 1985; Festinger, 1957) shows that when actions feel aligned with self-image, they are easier to adopt and sustain. When they don’t, resistance shows up.
If you see yourself as someone who’s very logical and intelligent, the idea of trying an activity that feels playful or lighthearted, like creative journalling, expressive dance, or visual arts, might feel “beneath you” or out of character.
If you think of yourself as serious and disciplined, activities that ask for gentleness or stillness, like compassion meditation or restorative yoga, might feel uncomfortable or even pointless.
If you see yourself as independent and self-reliant, joining a group-based activity where sharing or vulnerability is expected could feel like a threat to that identity.
And if you see yourself as tough, resilient, and able to push through, something that involves slowing down, like breathwork, body scans, or mindful walking, might feel strangely unsafe because it asks you to let your guard down.
In these moments, motivation, or a willingness to give it a try, is often not running on logic. In those moments, identity tends to override logic. The closer the activity feels to your self-image, the easier it can be to act. The further away it feels, the more it can trigger discomfort or avoidance.
So what can you try?
The first step would be to pause. Instead of powering through or abandoning the suggestion altogether, try this:
Notice what’s happening, and in particular how you’re feeling. You may be bumping into an internal “not me” wall. That’s useful information.
Ask what the resistance might be about. Is the activity unfamiliar? Intimidating? Does it touch something uncomfortable about how you see yourself?
Decide what to do next. You don’t have to push through right away. There are plenty of other activities that might feel like a better fit. But if you’re curious about the resistance, you can test it gently.
You could start by choosing a guide for that activity that’s short, simple, or lower in intensity. Pick a version that feels possible. That might be a beginner-level session, a class with others, or doing it in private with no one watching. The aim is to dip into it just enough to see how it feels.
Why it’s worth trying anyway
The activities that feel most unfamiliar might be the very ones that open up some kind of positive change for you.
The person who’s always gone hard at the gym might find a different kind of power in the stillness of meditation or breathwork. The person who’s spent years avoiding creativity might unlock something through journalling they didn’t realise was missing. The point isn’t to become someone else. It’s to make space for parts of you, and skills that have gone quiet or haven’t had much of a chance to develop yet.
One small experience that doesn’t match your usual story can start to change the way you see yourself. And that is often how powerful change takes hold. Not from pushing harder, but from proving to yourself that something different is possible and maybe even enjoyable.
The broader takeaway
Every activity in the app is there for a reason. It’s grounded in robust research and it’s linked to what will really help you with what you said matters.
So if something feels like a mismatch, the clash might not be with your motivation, your ability to be brave or try new things. It might be to do with the current version of your identity. That version will have been shaped by habit, history, or circumstance.
Trying something new doesn’t have to mean a full rebrand. But it might nudge your self-image in the direction you’ve already said you want to go. Start small. Give it some time. Then see if the story about the way you see yourself starts to shift.
Notes to support our position in this article:
Evidence and expert support for key claims
Starting with personal values increases motivation
Support: Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan, 1985) shows that intrinsic motivation strengthens when actions align with personal values.
Resistance can occur even when motivation is present
Support: James Clear and BJ Fogg both highlight that resistance often comes from friction, not lack of desire. Internal conflicts, not low motivation, are often the real blockers.
Identity shapes behaviour choices
Support: James Clear’s Atomic Habits shows we stick with actions that match our self-image. CBT and ACT models also support that behaviours aligned with self-identity feel safer and are more likely to persist.
Activities that feel unfamiliar or incongruent can trigger internal resistance
Support: The concept of "cognitive dissonance" (Festinger, 1957) explains that when actions challenge our self-image, discomfort arises. People resist behaviours that clash with how they see themselves.
Reframing resistance as information, not failure, supports change
Support: ACT principles encourage noticing internal discomfort without judgment, using it as a cue for reflection instead of avoidance.
Taking small steps reduces perceived threat and supports behaviour change
Support: The “Tiny Habits” method (BJ Fogg) and “small wins” literature (Amabile & Kramer, 2011) show that starting with manageable actions builds momentum and confidence.
New actions can gently shift identity over time
Support: Clear and Duhigg both argue that identity is not fixed. Repeated behaviours can reshape self-perception. This reflects behavioural science principles about self-perception theory (Bem, 1972).
Mismatch between recommended actions and self-identity can feel like a block
Support: Behavioural science recognises that perceived fit matters. Even beneficial activities may be rejected if they feel culturally or personally irrelevant.
Letting action lead, rather than waiting for motivation, is evidence-backed
Support: The “behaviour first, identity second” model suggests we become who we believe ourselves to be by acting. Motivation follows action, not just the other way around.
